I want to rant to you.
I want to tell you how I feel.
I want to scream at you till i can't breath.
I want our children to rant scream cry at you.
But I can't. :(
You will always be in my heart.
But I need you home. :'(
Your smile will for her melt my heart. That's what I fell in love with. ❤❤💔💔💔💔

1 week today my world ended.
I have been a complete emotional anxiety mess. My children have driven me up the walls by the smallest things and I'm a mum on the edge supprised I have hair left.
I love them so much they make my world go round.
But my god. I miss there dad.
I'm trying. Urrrggggggggggggg.

The 20th is getting clouser and clouser, trying to keep my mind as busy as possible, cleaned all the house. Moved my living room round again, steam mopped everywhere.....
Babysitting Iylas best friend Poppy which is lovely, they are playing mums and baby's upstairs whilst I carry on binge watching game of thrones...season 6 now.

Today's memories on Facebook were hard to see but also put smile on my face.

May

May is a horrible month for me these days, so many waves of grief and emotions that I have been struggling a lot more recently as it's coming up to a year. We are having a memorial for Jay on the 18th in Batley as that's where all his family live, he loved a good party so hopefully we can remember him the way he would want us to, with a rum and a dance.
My house is starting to look more like a home again however i hate living here, the flash backs and the memories of that day still over rule the happy memory's but i know in time that will fade, just needs to fade quicker!

We have got out the house a lot more, I've been taking the girls swimming! Iyla is an amazing little swimmer just like her mummy and daddy proper little water baby. Esmee is onto her stage 3, this time last year she wouldn't even get in a pool without clinging onto her dad. We have been to Leeds museum, spent a lot of time with my mum, who apparently lives next door to elephants according to a 3 year old!

My anxiety is slightly better with less panic attacks but I have managed to figure out how to not have them. Music is the best way.

I am now addicted to Game of Thrones which i said i would NEVER watch after watching the first 3 episodes with Jay we hated it. I started it last week I am know half way through season 5.

Not had a very good couple of weeks, however I do have the most amazing daughter's, who yes rarely sleep and I'm totally surprised I have hair left, but I wouldn't be me without them. Iyla is more and more like her dad everyday, demanding matching clothes and matching socks!!!!!! I mean....who wears matching socks unless they are brand new.

Firstly Esmee and I went to see George Ezra. 

He was amazing. 

Esmee even noticed Jay must have been with us as she was sat on the loo this was on the floor in front of her.

We had Bidis funeral which was heartbreaking but she had a good send off with the family that cared about her.

My friends have been amazing these last weeks. All just trying to help each other out

Birthday.

Yesterday was Jays birthday.
I guess it was okay. My best friends all came round and we all shared a drink and storys about Jay.
He would of gone mental at me for mixing my drinks but apprently beer and gin is an okay mix for me.
We wanted to light a birthday candle so we used one of the unicorn buns iyla and i made.
To say I started the day in tears it wasn't too bad.
Lots of tears but also lots of laughter.
It was also the 2nd year anniversary of my bests sons funeral, but we giggled about how Jay will be teaching him MMA moves and how Jay and Theo are watching over on Leeds United.

This time last year we were having the beast from the east...and this year Its so sunny. That last cou0le of days I have tried to get out as mush as possible, even if it's just a coffee with a friend.
Yesterday I went to the park twice which was lovely. I love seeing my children running round singing and smiling like children should do.

I have really missed Jay today, I think it's because I had a doctors review appointment but that went fine and he is trying to get me pushed up the waiting list for IAPTS.
As I was walking home, I started to think that maybe I should move out of the area I live in as everywhere I look I see him and our memories. But they are all such happy ones and I'm hoping my friends and I can make extra memories remembering Jay in these places.

Got my new fish tank for my millions guppies, I'm finding it really relaxing watching them and hearing the water.
Tomorrow is Friday and that only.means one thing, Brownie pints and Leeds are playing again so maybe go to my friends and watch it.