I wasn't very good at keeping up with it though. But after a long weekend away at my mum's i feel like I want to let people know my story.
Not to sure how to start this, i guess 15 years ago when I met Jay one summer, he was a party animal and to be honest a loon known as Frosti, I always found him attractive but way to energetic and into the drug scene for me.
Fast forward 9 years and we started talking again on facebook...made me smile from ear to ear..
I went to kidnap him as he was so down in the dumps, gave him bus fair the next day and he never left.
Fast forward again 7 years to now, my heart is broken, my world is shattered and my smile is fake.
We had the best relationship, yes we were not perfect and we had our ups and downs, arguments about knifes being in the wrong draw and stupid rubbish like that.
But he was my world.
8am I came down the stairs to find him behind the sofa, blue and cold I knew by the sight of him he had passed away but I didn't want to believe it, we were meant to be taking our 2 year old to see the planes up at Yeadon that Sunday I was not meant to me sat outside my house in a tiny vest top my batman pjs bottoms and no bra for 6 hours. I was not meant to make a statement in my mums car. That whole day was a blur, I got horrible flash backs from that morning. I feel awful and sad that our children had to walk past there dad covered with a horrible green blanket in our living room. I hate that my neighbour had to ring Jays mum to tell her and I remember hearing her down the phone. I had to sit our 8 year old down and tell her what had happened and I didn't even know myself. I will never forget that scream and that cry she made.
I went to my mums that night, I didn't sleep I just cried all night, I didn't eat. Nothing was going to stop me crying not even our beautiful children.
I came home the next day to my best friends sat outside my house. That meant the world to me.
With my grief I forget that Jay had best friends too and they also lost someone so close to them. I forgot about his bromance with Ginner and as soon as i saw ginner sat on my wall i broke down again.
The messages i received over that week are a blur and I still have 18 unopened messages. The "friends" that message like they care just because they want gossip. The "friends" who came to see me and said they will always be there haven't spoke to me since that week, haven't asked how I am. How our children are. This makes me angry and sad that people can be so greedy with wanting to know gossip.
The funeral, Jays family organised it all. His brother was amazing with it, no mum should out live there soon and no siblings should have to plan there brothers funeral. There grief is so different to mine, I wish I was more involved with the funeral, I wish more of his friends from where we lived came and I wish i had him home with me. I never new you could miss someone so much and love them even more.
I feel broken and my heart hurts and some days i sit and cry all day, some i am fine.
I have the worst dreams and the worst panic attacks and flash backs. I never suffered with anxiety till this happened, I can go days and days without leaving the house and pretending it's because I'm skint or I don't feel well.
I don't sleep, when i do sleep i have flash backs in my sleep and i lay there staring at the stars ranting to Jay about how could he do this to me. How could he just leave me.
I feel like it's my fault, I should of made him go get his heart checked when he kept fainting, I should of made him come to bed that night instead of watching boxing and most of all I should of kissed and hugged him when I went to bed.
Jason died of sudden arrhythmia death on the 20th May 2018 early hours of the morning.
This is the second young person I know who this has happened too, I feel cursed.
But.
A part of me is happy that he spent his last day with everyone he loved, we saw him mum and Jo, he danced on the street with his girls and Roo, he danced on hyde park with his mates, we went to our best mates and watched boxing together and he spent his last few hours watching UFC with his little side kick Callan, who he loved so much and also thought himself as a father figure to him, also praised him and couldn't speak highly enough about someone.
It was been 9 months and 4 days since I lost my best friend, my soul mate, my partner and somedays i feel like i can do this and some I don't.
Since this has happened I know who my true friends are. Not the people that spread rumours and tell me its been 3 weeks and pull your socks up (note that I don't wear socks and my mum sent me a pair in the post)
I have met some really lovely people that Jay new and I hope we can be friends, I have lost friends who I thought would always be around.
The internet gets me though the days, the facebook groups I am in. The online friendships I have made with people in the same situation, and the girls on baby group that don't know me but make me feel like I'm part of there group.
But I have to get on with life because Jay wouldn't want me sat around, he hated it.
I get up because I have too. I have children I have be strong for. It will get better. I feel I am better and strong than I was a year ago but I know I have a long way to go.
I wouldn't of been able to do this part of my life without the help from my friends and family, they have been amazing. So thank you.
I'm going to keep writing my blog as I think it's a good way to let things out.
This made me cry, you're so strong huni, I know you don't feel it but you are.
ReplyDeleteStacey Xx